the coffee table

found: other people suck at life + a PSA

while i was taking a piss break, i discovered this stunning display: 2 bud drys, 1 bud light, 1 red bull, 1 (empty!) box of magnum condoms. sexcellent advice: if you have a penis, and you want to use it in a non oral sexual manner, "accidentally" leave out a box of magnum condoms. however, do not do this if you are hoping to copulate with someone who has a penis as it will obviously instantly create feelings of inadequacy. i like how i was able to talk about dick size without being too normative there.

public service announcement: the writer of this post in no way wishes to imply that condoms = sucking at life. condoms are, in fact, awesome and should be used every. single. time. you engage in penetrative sex with a functioning penis, unless all partners are sterilized and verifyably std free. (and, yes, i did just imply that making babies = sucking at life).

Twizzler Straws, A Review

if you know anything about me at all, you know that i like to drink beer from a straw. if you dont know me, dear reader, now you know at least this about me. (ive probably just outted myself, because i might be the only person in the universe who does this.) i know its terrible, and ruins the experience, blah blah blah, but loss of motor control is usually my first drunk-symptom, and i have just ruined to many t shirts whist attempting to pound beers. also, its quite satisfying to gnaw on straws. which is what brought me to this genius combo. the twizzler did, infact, inhance pbr's already somewhat fruity bouquet, but for some reason the candy got too squishy too soon. conclusion: twilzzlers are better used to make ghetto cherry cokes (open can of coke, insert straw). i think twizzlers are technically strawberry, but the indistinct fruit flava is what makes it ghetto. duh.