two drunks one cup

two straws, one pitcher. you might not be able to tell, because this bar wasnt exactly lit for glamor shots, but thats a pitcher with 2 straws, which is mathematically the most efficient and fare way to share a pitcher. duh. bonus suck at life points because the people drinking this beer had a combined fortune of $5.78 (savings included) between them so that blueberry beer was purchased with money borrowed from parents, which is the most efficient and enjoyable way to enjoy beer. duh.

high class glass

sooo we save glass jars and drink from them. reduce, reuse, recycle i say! "but it makes me feel like a redneck!" some of my guests say. well, here you go, snobby friends that prefer to drink from a real glass intended for drinking: target now sells fake jars intended for drinking. im really happy that there's some misguided shopaholic yuppy lady buying these and making her friends drink lemonade from them. and im also really sad because this is ridiculous. oh, the simulacra!

the coffee table

found: other people suck at life + a PSA

while i was taking a piss break, i discovered this stunning display: 2 bud drys, 1 bud light, 1 red bull, 1 (empty!) box of magnum condoms. sexcellent advice: if you have a penis, and you want to use it in a non oral sexual manner, "accidentally" leave out a box of magnum condoms. however, do not do this if you are hoping to copulate with someone who has a penis as it will obviously instantly create feelings of inadequacy. i like how i was able to talk about dick size without being too normative there.

public service announcement: the writer of this post in no way wishes to imply that condoms = sucking at life. condoms are, in fact, awesome and should be used every. single. time. you engage in penetrative sex with a functioning penis, unless all partners are sterilized and verifyably std free. (and, yes, i did just imply that making babies = sucking at life).

Twizzler Straws, A Review

if you know anything about me at all, you know that i like to drink beer from a straw. if you dont know me, dear reader, now you know at least this about me. (ive probably just outted myself, because i might be the only person in the universe who does this.) i know its terrible, and ruins the experience, blah blah blah, but loss of motor control is usually my first drunk-symptom, and i have just ruined to many t shirts whist attempting to pound beers. also, its quite satisfying to gnaw on straws. which is what brought me to this genius combo. the twizzler did, infact, inhance pbr's already somewhat fruity bouquet, but for some reason the candy got too squishy too soon. conclusion: twilzzlers are better used to make ghetto cherry cokes (open can of coke, insert straw). i think twizzlers are technically strawberry, but the indistinct fruit flava is what makes it ghetto. duh.

hangovers

apparently we lifted the ban on smoking indoors. on tuesday woke to a smoggy living room covered in a fine coating of crushed up popcorn, several empty bottles of whiskey, enough beer bottles to keep our homeless lady fed for a week and lots and lots of cups and mugs filled with cigarette butts. that's a dora the explorer paper cup filled with ashes and cigarette slime. the floor has been mopped and the makeshift ashtrays thrown away or washed, but there is still the faint smell of chain smoker.

FOUND: other people suck at life

enough footage from our ever-trashed apartment. we were at a party on monday (that's right, WE PARTY ON MONDAYS) and found this evidence during a pee break. there were no less that 6 beers strewn in and about the bath tub. there was also a giant tub of bleach on the ledge of the tub, that obviously had not been utilized in a very very long time. ah, good intentions! the bud light poised next to the caribbean cocktail home fragrance spray is particularly poignant. although, i will admit, that 40 in the paper bag was mine.