the coffee table

found: other people suck at life + a PSA

while i was taking a piss break, i discovered this stunning display: 2 bud drys, 1 bud light, 1 red bull, 1 (empty!) box of magnum condoms. sexcellent advice: if you have a penis, and you want to use it in a non oral sexual manner, "accidentally" leave out a box of magnum condoms. however, do not do this if you are hoping to copulate with someone who has a penis as it will obviously instantly create feelings of inadequacy. i like how i was able to talk about dick size without being too normative there.

public service announcement: the writer of this post in no way wishes to imply that condoms = sucking at life. condoms are, in fact, awesome and should be used every. single. time. you engage in penetrative sex with a functioning penis, unless all partners are sterilized and verifyably std free. (and, yes, i did just imply that making babies = sucking at life).

Twizzler Straws, A Review

if you know anything about me at all, you know that i like to drink beer from a straw. if you dont know me, dear reader, now you know at least this about me. (ive probably just outted myself, because i might be the only person in the universe who does this.) i know its terrible, and ruins the experience, blah blah blah, but loss of motor control is usually my first drunk-symptom, and i have just ruined to many t shirts whist attempting to pound beers. also, its quite satisfying to gnaw on straws. which is what brought me to this genius combo. the twizzler did, infact, inhance pbr's already somewhat fruity bouquet, but for some reason the candy got too squishy too soon. conclusion: twilzzlers are better used to make ghetto cherry cokes (open can of coke, insert straw). i think twizzlers are technically strawberry, but the indistinct fruit flava is what makes it ghetto. duh.

hangovers

apparently we lifted the ban on smoking indoors. on tuesday woke to a smoggy living room covered in a fine coating of crushed up popcorn, several empty bottles of whiskey, enough beer bottles to keep our homeless lady fed for a week and lots and lots of cups and mugs filled with cigarette butts. that's a dora the explorer paper cup filled with ashes and cigarette slime. the floor has been mopped and the makeshift ashtrays thrown away or washed, but there is still the faint smell of chain smoker.

FOUND: other people suck at life

enough footage from our ever-trashed apartment. we were at a party on monday (that's right, WE PARTY ON MONDAYS) and found this evidence during a pee break. there were no less that 6 beers strewn in and about the bath tub. there was also a giant tub of bleach on the ledge of the tub, that obviously had not been utilized in a very very long time. ah, good intentions! the bud light poised next to the caribbean cocktail home fragrance spray is particularly poignant. although, i will admit, that 40 in the paper bag was mine.

trash day

and we forgot to bring out the barrels

CNN Acknowledges Re-teening Effect

Around here, we know all about going out on your own for a while after high school and then having to run back home with your tail between your legs when you realize your live-in boyfriend is a douche, or that your part time job cant pay the bills, or you'd really rather just save some money so you can buy your first place instead of paying rent throughout your twenties. We affectionately refer to this phenomenon as "re-teening" (thanks, Dirty D.)

Although it seemed like a grim prospect at first, this life style choice has some decided benefits: no (or low, if your parents are assholes) rent and access to a stocked fridge. In my experience there were some drawbacks as well: as an adult, the fact that my mother is a lunatic was even harder to ignore than it was when i was an angsty teen and i couldnt bring boys home. not just one night stands, no steady boyfriends, either. no boys allowed! period! your parents hear you having sex once and they turn into christian fundamentalists. sheesh.

CNN had an article (or rather an expanded ireport, which is annoying, but i digress) today about this increasingly popular phenomenon. Apparently with this downturn in the economy, people are sucking at life now more than ever.

click the link to see the article